mini fridge

Today was one of those days I have every once in a while which inspired me to write a blog in the first place. Have enough people tell you, "You really need to write these things down" after you tell them about your day and eventually you sit down and actually pound something out.

It started off innocently enough. I woke up late (this is normal). However, today was different in the sense that I did not have a restful sleep thanks to a snorer I shared a bed with last night. I love the woman, but I hate her sinuses with a passion. So though I am normally blessed with sweet uninterrupted sleep (hey I spent years with insomnia, I'm entitled to good sleep in my later years), I woke up this morning feeling exhausted and also realizing that to make it to work on time, the shower would indeed have to go. Looking back on it, my day didn't start off innocently at all. No matter.

So I proceeded along with my day. My FG was quiet today- he's likes that sometimes. I tell him he's being daydreamy, but really I think we both know that it's because he is miles and miles away completely confused. Days like this with him are a little more upsetting. I get through the day and just hope that after a good night's sleep he'll come back.
So basically that was work. The only other thing out of the normal was that I thought I would run home at lunch to grab a book I have been literally SAVING to read as a reward when I was done with my GREs and Chemistry class. I will not mention the title of the book in here ( I do have some pride), but I like to read it every Christmas and if you're a Christian female you know exactly what book I'm talking about. If you don't let's talk...you're faith is not quite complete.

Imagine my distress when I went to my bookshelf and it wasn't there. Big bummer. I called my mom to see if maybe it was at home somewhere. God bless her, she got into my closet and searched through my plethora of books that didn't make the cut to move with me, but also had way too much sentimental value to be given away. She looked and looked and still this book proved elusive. I decided that after work I would make the treck to Barnes and Noble and just buy another copy. Desperate? Yes! And I don't care who knows it. When you're jonesin for a good book, you gotta have it.

After dinner with some friends and a stop at home depot to buy a mini fridge (long story- but here are some key points that should be added in. 1. I lost most of my faith in male chivalry when the gentleman that got the fridge out for me placed it in my arms and said, "you think you can handle that?" Apparently he thought my 5'2" frame could take the weight. 2. I was accosted in the parking lot by three women in a camry wanting to know if I could let them follow me to a gas station so I could pay to fill up their tank. I'll just leave it at that they seeemed a bit suspicious and the girl's Coach purse cost more than my mini fridge.) Ok so all that said and added in for effect, I drove to the Alderwood Mall Barnes and Noble. Remember- I was desperate. I searched the Christian fiction section...there was a literal gap where the book should have been placed alphabetically. I'd come so far I found no reason to abort the mission. So I headed about .25 miles away to Borders bookstore. It's important that I mention the .25 miles. It took me 28 minutes to drive them.

By this point I'm maybe starting to regret the no shower decision this morning. I was feeling a little greasey and a lot grungy. There's nothing like seeing several attractive men in their mid twenties to make a girl wish she would have at least rinsed her hair in the sink. Oh by the way Borders didn't have the book either. Ok this is getting verbose- so to wrap it up, I pick a book I'm certain will be less satisfying and hardly uplifting, and get in line. Needless to say I got in line behind a girl who was showing off her future husband's wedding band to her parents and had a friend and her fiance get in line behind me. It was clear that my adorable friend had showered this morning.


I'm home now at my parents house because it was a closer refuge than my house in Seattle. Plus the whole mini fridge thing....I looked in my closet and found the book. That was 2 hours ago and I have yet to pick it up and start reading it.

I often wonder about days like this. I wondered about last Thursday when I DID shower and was excited to go out with a friend and then got a bloody nose at the bar. I'm sure it drove the men crazy. I've included a photo.

Is God humbling me? Is Satan attacking me? Was it just a weird day? Am I overdramatizing things? (Don't answer that last question). All I know is that I am lucky enough to have a dad who will listen to my whole story, understand why I'm feeling down, and tell me, "Courtney, you are beautiful. Any man would be lucky. Trust me. And don't tell your mom you found the book, it'll make her feel bad."


Thank you Lord for loving me and sending me home tonight to hear these words. And also, of course thank you for inspirational Christian fiction.

he knows my name

“I counted just three leaves left on that tree out there,” Rose observed during coffee hour this morning. I looked out into our courtyard and noted she was right. A small, immature maple tree with spindly branches looked completely naked except for three bright and beautiful orange leaves. A pile of orange-turning-brown leaves lay on the ground beneath. I could instantly relate to the scene. I looked at those three lonely leaves and immediately empathized with them. Clinging on for dear life. Literally. Once removed from the tree they will no longer get the nutrients and supplies they need to survive. Yet they must know they’re going to fall. They see their cohorts laying in a dismal pile below. Winter is nearing. Not the physical winter that we feel and see- when the earth is going through its correct, predicted orbit. No, this winter that’s coming is the season of winter that seeps into my heart, my faith, my confidence, my joy. They all seem to somehow cycle in and out of this winter season. It's my winter soul. The difference in these not so different winters is that this winter soul can rarely be prepared for. I, the leaf, just sway in the breeze, absorbing the sun, supporting my fellow leaves until a sudden storm changes my circumstances and I have one frail stem holding on to my lifeline. One sharp, unexpected wind and I’m a goner. At first glance the tree is hideously ugly- all it’s vivid fall color gone, the branches are so thin, they remind me of some of our more weak and underweight patients. The ones that are just biding their time until God takes them

I am genuinely reminded of the lyrics, “He is jealous for me- loves like a hurricane, I am the tree.” This idea of God’s love being equated to a hurricane terrifies me. For obvious reasons. Is that what happened to this poor little tree? Was it loved so hard, so fiercely that it’s very self-defense mechanism was blown away?

But looking at the tree one more time I notice that the tree, even without its leaves is standing tall and almost proud with the fall morning light shining radiantly on it. Only when the leaves are gone can we see THROUGH the tree, see PAST it on to the other side- to the rest of the courtyard behind it, to the future days, to the light of God’s plan. When the leaves are fully in bloom, beautiful though they may be, we are often distracted by their beauty- not able to have a clear view of God’s deeper and wiser plan behind it.

This morning my Favorite Gentleman and I were shaving his face. He always starts off doing the best he can and then when he gets bored of it I step in and suggest that I do “damage control.” As I was cleaning the razor out and leaning over to scrub a recent breakfast spill off his sweater vest, I found myself saying aloud, “Oh Courtney…It’s ok.” My FG responded in turn simply saying, “Courtney!” loud and bold and clear. “Yes!” I smiled at him, “that’s my name!” “I know,” he said. He looked at me with just a slight bit of irritation in his eyes. “I know your name.” I almost cried. Somewhere in the midst of his disease, his confusion, his internal chaos, he picked up on my name.

When I’m seeing clearly- when I give in and let the leaves fall- every LAST leaf including my very self a God who loves me will answer; a God who cherrishes me and knows me by name.