window washers

I was trying to go above and beyond my nanny duties yesterday, and decided to take care of some laundry. I noticed clothing sizes. And I got angry. Angry that things like sizes and body shapes and attire matter. I know, I know, these thoughts probably carry no clout because of my 5'2" frame, but trust me I think about things like this. For me it's not so much size or body shape as it is boys or achievements or things in my future. Anything other people may see and judge me by. A close friend of mine will confide in me her uncertainty about her new, post pregnant body- seeing old friends, extended family.....her husband's assumed thoughts on it all. It makes me ill. She got a new outfit for a family reunion this weekend and told me she felt, "Good" in it....what does that even mean? Thin? Confident? Secure? All of the above?

Yesterday Daisy and I were practicing clapping in the living room of her 10th floor condo down town. She wants to clap sooo badly and her success rate is up to like 8%. It's been posted in the elevators the past couple of weeks that there would be window washers around and to pull the shades to ease pet anxiety. God forbid our pets get anxious. Anyways, so there we were and I hear a thud outside. A young man is dangling by a rope and its slowly descending onto the balcony as if he's Peter Parker. Could he not just come to the front door and knock?? I walked over to the window and stared. The only thing separating our world being floor to ceiling double paned windows. I was trying to make eye contact and perhaps throw out there a smile that I was hoping would say, "I'm just the nanny! You and I are really no different- I appreciate your work and don't feel awkward while I just cozy on in here with the baby- we won't even notice you!" Unfortunately eye contact was not achieved and I found myself pulling down each and every shade to calm down Max, the dog, who was obviously dealing with some severe anxiety and chest tightness over our new guest.

The above seems like a tangent you say? Well, it is. Just something funny that doesn't happen to me every Thursday. But this morning as I couldn't get my mind off a XXL red shirt, the connection between the two events came to me. We're all just dangling by a rope really. Hoping to land on some firm balcony and hoping it won't be awkward when we do which it inevitably will. Whether it's other people's thoughts on us, our body size, our boyfriends, our not boyfriends, or anything else.....we're dangling. By a thread most of the time. Or so we think. I get angry all over again writing it down. How controlled we are by this thread. How many cruel comments, thoughts, credit debt issues, failed relationships and etcetera are resulted by this thread? It's disgusting. He is the vine- we are just the branches. Apart from Him we can do nothing. NOTHING. Not. A. Thing. And so this morning, I simply grabbed a pair of scissors and cut the thread. The ratted, helpless thread holding me to so many negative thoughts, wants, expectations. And lo and behold I landed on a balcony. And instead of a surprised nanny found my Father offering me a warm drink and lots of time to chat. What took me so long? These past few weeks holding on to this thin line as if it were my safety. I'm glad I just gave it a clean snip. I find two very different approaches to this. One is assuming He'll catch you when you fall, and even telling people you firmly believe He will. And then there's the other approach. Cutting that sick rope and letting Him prove His faithfulness to you. Allowing you to speak from experience.

Daisy is still napping. Snuggled in her fleece Nemo blanket on her parents bed. A perfect life. And as of this morning, it was determined that in His eyes, so is mine. And, thus, is yours. Know that.