I've been longing lately. This should come as no surprise to me as I looked through my NUMEROUS entries (I think this one makes 17 in 2 years) and found one of them entitled, "Nostalgia". But still. I have been. For past places, friends, experiences. And oddly, as I sat at Rattle Snake Lake today I discovered that I am longing for myself. In the midst of this ever changing life we live, I find myself longing for who I was. Or at least for who I think I was. This lake has been a sacred space for me. Not only is it where we got engaged, and where I spent time with beautiful friends, it's also where I have spent hours of time with God over the past 7 or 8 years. I have a lot of memories here of a lot of heartfelt conversations with God.
I have also had a lot of time to think lately, too much time. When I have too much time to think, I can only seem to get to negative conclusions. Today though my thinking time led to more of a nondescript memory of pulling on an old hoodie and driving out here. Of being comfortable with just my soul and the Holy Spirit to keep me company. It was a memory of knowing I was beautiful without having anyone to tell me so but knowing it assuredly anyways because God thought so. I was comfortable in my own skin. With changes abound, it's time to step forward.
With so many tests, comparisons, professors, and changes I have felt that it has been necessary to put on my skinny jeans every day ( not an actual pair- I look absurd in them. I mean my metaphorical skinny jeans- We all have them). I have felt the overwhelming need to impress. To be a hipster. To appear like I've got it all together and the flats to go with it ( I don't wear flats either because my feet sweat). "I can do this!" I screamed. "I'm worth it! I've got it together!" And all the while I was screaming to others- to teachers, to friends, to family and even church members...the skinny jeans were getting tighter and pinching my mid section. They have become utterly uncomfortable and exhausting to wiggle into day in and day out.
So it's time. Not just to let go of who I was but to step into who God wants me to be now. Not in 2006. But in 2013. It's like He's beckoning me to re-ground myself in Him. And when I was finally still today at the lake and took time to truly listen, I heard Him say it. "Take off those absurd pants!" That's all I needed to hear. And so I will- one day at a time. I'm putting on my beautiful hooded sweatshirt. It's comfortable, it's unassuming. It's...me.