nostalgia

My sweet Nostalgia,

I've been wanting to write to you for awhile now, but haven't been able to find the time I need to find the words I want. You have been such a rich part of my life- how do I thank you for bringing me joy simply by being a memory? How to thank you for bringing me comfort just by being a specific scent? How to express my gratitude for the way you remind me of my sweet friends just by being the right song at the right time?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpguzlHIvTQ&feature=related . The way a certain type of sunlight and scent in the air outside can transport me to my very own sanctuary is a gift that I can receive from none other than you; a place where I can be safe, loved, and comforted without every leaving my present circumstance. I have heard some people say recently that I should let go of you. That you hold me back. That you keep me from progressing towards future goals. But if I were to reach these achievements in life and didn't have you around, I can't help but think I would be lonely. I would be in a place of success, knowing who I am, but never looking back to who I was or who I once wanted to be.

I'll admit sometimes you are a burden. When I pause to think about whatever you're reminding me of , sometimes I do pause too long. I want that very moment back so badly, I spend my time and energy grieving the finished memory rather than creating a new one. Sometimes one of your songs or smells make me miss something, someone, or some time so much that it literally aches. I would pay money to be back at that dinner table with those friends, sitting on that log by that campfire with my God, worshiping at the Inn with those sweet roommates. And yet, you never give it back to me. I pause and beg of you to return those moments to me, and yet they just stay memories. Memories that started out bringing me warmth and comfort, but leave me lonely and sometimes without as much hope. It's at these times that I think maybe they're right. Maybe I should leave you in the past. Ignore the way the sun looks in the evening of a perfect fall day, disregard the smell of the campfire as I drive down a wooded road, pretend that there are no Late Tuesday songs that have ever been given to me by a friend who couldn't find the words herself and so gave lyrics instead. Completely skip over those notes and pictures I carry in my Bible that remind me of the sweet souls placed in my life.. ...

But, Nostalgia, despite all of your downfalls, I want you to know that you're worth keeping around. You remind me that God is very much in my past- living and redeeming His way through my muck and past regrets, and turning what should be dark and painful memories into ones that bring me light and hope. Of course I don't like the way you make me want to go back in the past. But I love the way you remind me of the beautiful life God has given me. You make the ugly of past years something worth remembering. Dark times in my life that were so painful, I wanted them completely erased from memory, you somehow make encouraging. You are an every day reminder that God is writing His own story and I am just one of the characters. A girl who is loud, stubborn, and very, very well loved.

I hope you're in- it- to- win- it Nostalgia. I plan on being your friend for a very long time. There are large gaps in our lives that come between past sacred moments and future anticipated ones. It will be in these gaps that I'll put in a certain CD, re-read a specific card, and breathe in deep thinking to myself that as messy and complex and winding my road has been, the sweet moments that make it worth wandering will not be forgotten.

love

court