26

About three weeks ago I had no idea what I was doing with my life. And I was "ok" with that. Ok meaning that on the outside I tried to appear footloose and fancy free so as to convince myself I really was. And to an extent I wasn't faking it. I really did enjoy all those random trips and random experiences and being able to go or not go to anything based pretty much on the current whim of my heart. But deep down I'm normal and human (gasp!) and there was a definite sense of panic about my future life. Let's just say the song, The Next Thirty Years by Tim McGraw was beginning to terrify me. How is he singing about his next 30? Why I am singing along with him? I apparently have 4 more years to live it up because my next 30 years are going to contain a lot less adventure. And that's supposedly going to be a good thing.....? Heh. All this jargon is to say that though I need structure and routine and plans, not having any of those things the past 3 or 4 years has been incredible. Then I got this email one morning to say that I'd been accepted to grad school. Exciting though it was, the message might as well have said, "Congratulations! Your life is planned out for you from here on out! Not only will we own you for the next two years, you will also continue to owe us financially until you're oh say......35. Luckily we will dump you directly into a career where you will find security, stability, and opportunity until the appropriate retirement age for your generation." I know this sounds incredibly negative and ungrateful. I promise this was not my immediate response. My immediate response was to call mom and dad. I giggled with glee while they freaked out and had a celebration in their motor home. I heard that later that night they each had an extra Guiness to toast me. So the excitement came first. Then the panic. As things have settled in with my heart and I've begun planning I've also been reteaching myself that having a plan is not always a bad thing. It's just a matter of balancing out the planned with spontaneity. Sort of like balancing out my physical age of 26 with my desire to always be at summer camp playing capture the flag and wanting to be 11... Sort of. But in all honesty I really am starting to sink into the idea that things will just be laid out for me on this neat little path (not including life's little bumps...which I tend to have). And that's something that just happens to us.....we make plans and dream about them for a bit, but we have the luxury of changing them and having really fun Plan B's and Plan D's with your best friends. And then something works out. Not even something, but your Plan A. And all the sudden we're faced with real life and a real and tangible future. I realized quickly that my made up future was much more fun. I saw myself living in the middle of no where, but somehow all my friends wanted to be in the middle of no where with me. It included a lot of being outside reading and we somehow all sustain each other with our individual and unique talents and gifts.Don't ask me what we would do tax wise I hadn't gotten that far. But we're somewhere near a river. But this morning I was walking around with a dear friend on a beautiful day and I realized that none of it really matters anyways. As cliche as it sounds, it's not so much the end goal, but how we live during the process of getting to it. Isn't that what they say? And if the end goal is a pretty excellent one well then aren't you just the luckiest thing to ever live? But you know what? You might not ever get there for one reason or another anyways so you might as well just be excited when you wake up one morning and your main plan on the agenda is coffee and a walk through cherry trees with your lovely friend. So I decided I have a choice; to moan and groan about "joining the rat race", working a "9-5 job", and other trite cliches we describe the American society with. OR. I can wake up every morning and choose God whether I feel like it or not. And I'll fill you in on a little secret- the latter option is way more fun.I'm no expert and I'm clearly no Positive Polly, but here in Portland the sun is shining and I've been with some spectacular people and I've come up with my final thoughts here. Life really is what we make of it friends. And in the infamous words of Blink 182, I guess this is growing up.