Last Day

My FG and I chatted this morning about the upcoming events and changes; Golden Girls, shaving his face, and me leaving the job were among the top three. He was alert this morning which was good and bad. Bad because I knew it would make me miss him more. Good because any moment with him alert is a good one. We had some coffee, chatted about our evenings, and proceeded to his room. It wasn't any special day. I told him I loved him and he looked at me and smiled. I think he loves me too.

I think of him held captive by his own mind. His own brain and command center betraying him. Many people know who he was and what he did, but few understand who he is now. A gentle, kind, old man with only a few things to say now and again. We danced a lot too. Luckily 880 AM was on a roll. He particularly enjoyed The Very Thought of You. So did I. It's a challenge when one of the people in your life that you are closest too is also the one the most far away.

I sit here now in a shady parking lot downtown. Waiting to start my new job nannying a 5 month old baby. So much joy, so many giggles, and if she starts to decline something is most certainly wrong. It will not be her norm to progressively get worse. She will slowly, but surely grow, babble, sit up, chew, talk, go to college, get married, get a job and live life as an adult. But someday she may be in the same boat as my Favorite Gentleman. Trying to figure out how to paddle that damn boat anywhere but where she is...trying to escape herself only to find that she doesn't remember where she's escaping to or where she's come from.

Surprisingly, the sun came up today anyway. Too large and grand and with too big of a job to pause to ponder my ever changing life. Suffering, joy, having joy despite your suffering...don't these all just stem from change. Good change, horrible change, joyful change...and the sun goes up and comes down despite it all. Like its Creator, its job is to lighten the darkness no matter how dark and shine light nor matter how dampened it may seem by the morning clouds. And so these are my thoughts on the Last Day. Running stream of consciousness. My ever changing life. What's a life if it's not going to change though? It will just move on without us and it's more fun to be on that train then standing at the station hoping it comes back. But the thing is, it doesn't. There's the one stop. Get on, stay there, it's your choice. Thank you friend. You taught me so much about that one change that's the most important. The one we have the most control over and that can make the largest impact. To love anyways. To love always. To love despite.